What does it mean to be “sex-positive?”

Being a sex-positive therapist for me means striving to create an open and affirming space for my clients to discuss sexual health. It means listening to and respecting all of my clients’ values and beliefs concerning sexuality. It means offering information relevant to their needs while recognizing their autonomy and decisions. It means being willing to listen and welcome feedback. It also means understanding the full landscape of humanity, including those who identify as asexual.

Above all, it means always learning and adapting in order to best support my clients.

For me, being a sex-positive therapist means:

Seeing sexual health as more than the absence of disease.

⟡ First of all, seeing sexual health purely in terms of dysfunction and disease feels inconsistent with my disability justice value system!

⟡ Secondly, sexual health is about recognizing both the positive and the negative aspects of sexual activity. For example, knowing about STI prevention AND how to feel safe and have fun in a sexual interaction are both important.

⟡ For more information, check out the World Health Organization’s definition of sexual health.

I’ll provide information that empowers you.

⟡ I want to share what I know about sexual health with you. I’ll also help you identify what’s important to you in terms of your sexual health so you can make informed decisions that are also consistent with your values.

I’ll respect your values and beliefs.

⟡ Sometimes sex therapists are so “sex-positive” that they end up not respecting their clients’ values. For example, I work with people with all kinds of religious and spiritual backgrounds. Some of my clients are staunchly atheist, some have a strong religious practice, and others fall many other places on the landscape of spirituality. I strive to always be curious and open when hearing about this part of your life and we will work together to create a sexual health vision that works for you.

I won’t tell you that anything is inherently “good” or “bad.”

⟡ Take pornography for example. I’m not going to tell you “porn is [good/healthy/insert positive adjective here]” or “porn is bad/unhealthy/[insert negative adjective here].” That’s not my role. If we were talking about porn, I would help you examine your relationship with it and what your values are around it. Then, we might examine what are values-congruent ways for you to interact with pornography, for example, maybe viewing porn is OK with your value system but you’d like it to be ethical.

I’ll recognize my own positionality and perspective.

⟡ My background and who I am will undoubtedly influence how I work with you. After all, I’m not just a therapist, I’m a human! To me, being a good therapist is having awareness of my biases and taking care to acknowledge them when appropriate. I’m always learning.

I’ll always welcome feedback from you.

⟡ “Hey, Lillian. I’ve been thinking about the last time we talked and something didn’t feel quite right. Can I talk to you about it?” YES! Please! Tell me your concerns. This is a vital part of the therapy process.

Recognizing the asexuality spectrum and different levels of desire.

⟡ I don’t see a lack of sexual desire as an inherent problem. We have to understand it contextually. Does it cause you distress? Is your desire consistent with your hopes and your identity? Do you feel it is interfering with your relationship(s)?

⟡ For some great personal comics about asexuality, check out Oh Joy Sex Toy!

⟡ For helpful definitions and an orientation to asexuality, check out this webpage from The Trevor Project and the Asexuality.org website.

I don’t use a “sexual addiction” framework to treat sexual behavior that is distressing or feels “out-of-control.”

For more information about this, check out this podcast on why addiction may be the wrong word to use, as well as this podcast about out-of-control sexual behavior.

⟡ If the best language you have to describe such challenges is “addiction” based, don’t worry, I won’t shame or judge you for that! We can work together to find words that acknowledge your concerns.